Confession Time – My Addiction

Hello….My Name is Jen…
and I’m addicted to a Itch/Scratch Cycle
I am writing a very difficult post today. I am ashamed of what I do.

I have been scratching my body mainly my legs since I was 4 or 5. I have been made to feel naughty over the years. “Stop it!!!” I have also been to many doctors over the years and even spoken to a counsellor all of them werent helpful. Most of them said “dont do it.” If only it were that easy. However, once the itching starts it drives me crazy. Its like a moving evil spirit invading my body and a voice comes to me saying “its ok to scratch, one more time isnt going to make a difference after all these years.” The evil one mocks me until I have to relieve the itching by scratching. However this means my legs are a mess and have years of scars on them. I scratch until I bleed. I do it every night before I go to sleep (and sometimes during the day too.) Then in the morning I hate what I have done again.

I was a secretive child, I still am. I have always been ashamed of my skin. I very seldom wear a dress or skirt and then they have to be full length. I wear pants (jeans) mostly to hide what I do to myself. I feel like a leaper that shouldnt be loved my others and that if they really knew me they wouldnt love me. The fact that Muzz loves me and knows the truth blows me away and I dont quite understand how he can. As I write this there is a voice saying “well thats it! Youre going to lose all those bloggy friends youve made. You dumb stupid girl.” However, I dont want to wear a mask anymore and more than anything I want this to stop.

It has gotten to the point where I hate not only what I do but I hate myself too. I dont think God likes me doing this to the body he wonderfully made for me. While in my head I know that He does love me I cant get that knowledge into my heart right now.

This weekend has seen me horribly depressed. While Muzz does know what I do he didnt understand it fully. On Saturday morning I cried buckets loads and told him I cant stop. I have hope though. Muzz is going to help me. He promises me we are going to fight this until it stops. Hes going to get in touch with a dermatologist on Tuesday and see about me getting the help my poor innocent body needs. Theres parts of me that dont believe I can be helped, that Muzz will see it though, not because of anything to do with his personality (hes so caring, supportive and loving) but because of the years and years of nelgect and people not caring. Muzz would remind me that he isnt like other people that he loves and cares about me and WILL see this though.

Last night I found this article. Upon reading the 1st few paragraphs I cried again. She is just like me I can so identify with her.

So if you are still reading this. If you havent run away disgusted in what I do. Then I ask for your prayers and thank you for sticking by me.

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23 Responses to “Confession Time – My Addiction”

  1. eph2810

    Of course I will lift you up in prayers (and won’t run away either)…I pray that your appointment with the doctor this up-coming will go well.

    Blessings to you and yours.

  2. Rachel

    Jen, That must be horrible for you! You have my support.

  3. Amy

    I’m not walking away just because you have this annoying addiction. It would be interesting though to find out where exactly it stems from and why it started… *hugs*

  4. Diane J.

    I’m still here, too, Jen. Everybody has physical and/or mental problems. Some are just more apparent than others.

    I have some kind of nerve damage or something like that on my back. I itch like crazy and use a backscratcher until I almost bleed. It’s almost always right before I lay down to sleep that I start itching. I have my husband scratch my back for me sometimes, but he won’t scratch hard enough. He’s afraid he’ll hurt me.

    I do hope you find a way to get some help with your problem. You shouldn’t have to feel like you do. I’m glad Muzz supports you and loves you. You ARE loveable, Jen.

    Love and hugs,

    Diane

  5. Denise

    Bless you my dear friend, I will never run away from your friendship. I am very proud of you for sharing this with us, confession is good to heal your soul. I am lifting you up in my prayers. Please take care, I love you.

  6. Murray Whittington

    I will work on it with Jen to help her through, I must find the local Dermatologist at our local Hospital and start the ball rolling.

    WE WILL get on to it and get a Solution to help Jen and she must help us to work through it.

    Muzz, Billy, Daniel

  7. supermom

    I will take way more for me to walk away 😉 I think the important thing here is why you scratch. If it is only because your legs itch then it’s a physical thing and the doctors NEED to do something about it. If you scratch to hurt yourself….again it’s something that the doctors can help you with. It’s just important to get to the bottom of it

  8. Leticia

    No way I would judge you, are you kidding?! I have to agree with everyone, it may be a dermatological issue. Something is being triggered to cause the itching. I am curious if it could be an allergy.

    Whatever is, we will help you through it. And by the way, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, to be ashamed of.

  9. Barb

    Well, for Pete’s sake, Jen, if anybody would walk away from you because of this, you don’t need them anyway. I’m confused. If you itch, of course you’re going to scratch. I would. I’d think someone would have tried ages ago to find out why you itch in the first place. That would drive me crazy. I so hope you get some answers and yes, of course, you’ll be in my prayers.

  10. Jana

    I won’t be walking away, either…. so what if you scratch your legs? *shrug* You aren’t scratching MY legs, lol, why should it bother ME?

    No, seriously… someone else was telling me about how when they get stressed, and don’t let it out, their body deals with it by then getting hives. Maybe the problem with your legs is similar?

    I’m glad you’re going to the doctor, so you can at least find out what is causing the itching. *hug*

  11. Amber

    Of course no one would walk away from you for this. In fact, real friends should step up when you pour your heart out. We ALLLL have our demons. And my prayers are that you can overcome this to achieve the happiness you deserve!!!

  12. kate5kiwis

    loads of love jen, yeah, everyone has stuff we’re not super proud of, and good for you that you wanna change yours.
    i had a wee giggle at the intro, “hello, i’m jen..” cos i got flashbacks to Nemo and Dory….

  13. Lynne

    I have never heard of this. I learned something new today. You should be proud to have the courage to post this as it seems to be a huge issue for you. None of us can completely understand as we haven’t been through it, but we can certainly be supportive and pray that you find what you need to ease your mind (and body).

    Count all six of us in for prayers for you! We’ll have Austin add you to his nightly God Blesses 🙂

  14. Mary

    Praying for you here too, Jen! Don’t be embarrassed, what a shame that you’ve had to deal with it all these years…I bet there’s relief in the next month for you…surely a dermatologist will be able to pinpoint a cause! I hope and pray so.

    You have such a caring heart, I’m surprised that you thought anyone would “walk off” in disgust. You could have shocked me worse!

    ((hugs))
    Mary

  15. Val

    It is ok. Don’t feel ashamed, Jen! I’m thinking of you . . . xo

  16. Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)

    Oh girl {{{HUGS}}} I am soooooo sorry to hear you have suffered so terribly!!!! How brave of you to tell us about it – but honestly – NONE of us think less of you at all!!!! We just want you to have peace from this affliction!

    How wonderful that you have Muzz in your life!!!!

    Praying for you girl….

  17. Thankful Thursday « Prayer Warrior

    […] am grateful that I have a good doctor at the moment who is doing something about my problem and wants to hear from me tomorrow so we can decide that to do next. I was grateful for being […]

  18. Gretchen Hanna

    Hi Jen,
    I just found your site. Of course I’ll pray for you. We all have something, right? You are brave to share this with us in your blog. May God give you peace and rest, so you don’t feel the urge to scratch, and may He give your specialist(s) wisdom and discernment in treating the underlying issue(s) which will prevent the physical need. God bless you.

  19. mrs. diamond

    oh honey. i just now read this post. i am here for you… and i am praying for you. ((((((HUG))))))

  20. linda c

    Hey, Jen. I’ll be around! People who have struggled with mysteries of their own will not judge you. One of mine is psoriasis, which has been embarassing at times. I’m wondering if yours has to do with nerve endings or something. Anyway, i really do feel compassionate toward you. Praying for you. Stop feeling guilty. You would not choose this for yourself or anyone else. Just felt like I was supposed to say that. Sending love, Linda

  21. Wont Be Going Back « Prayer Warrior

    […] no responses Im suppose to go back and see the doctor on Friday to access my itchy problem. […]

  22. lize-mari

    Hey, I just habbened on to your blog. I see myslef in what you wrote here. I have exactly the same problem. I pic the sores off my skin until it bleeds. I feel so ashemed about it and I have tried many ways too stop but it just does not happen. Have you come to any conclusions or found a way out.

    Love

    lize

  23. jenz

    Lize-mari its as sucha habit as anything else so I am still scratching but trying hard not to
    I wash using a soap alternative
    I apply hydrocortisone and eurax cream often throughtout the day
    my prayers and thoughts are with you

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