Thank you friends

We are hoping to find the reason behind my problem. Therefore being able to overcome it. I have read a lot over the last few days on the internet about my problem. The best websites say that the best way to overcome it is not just with medicine but counselling. I want to deal with it so I can overcome it and never do it again.

I’m blessed to have Muzz who does support and love me.

Supermom stated an important statement. She pointed out that there is a difference between scratching because its itchy and scratching to hurt myself. Most of the time I scratch because they itch but occasionally like last night I scratch to feel the blood. I scratched last night just because I was aware of the bump on my skin and it annoyed me until in a warped attempt to get rid of it I scratched it. This makes me feel even more guilty the next day. It makes me feel gross and makes me think that people would/should feel the same way.

I think most of it could be a dermatological issue. I have very dry skin on my eyelid at the moment and I know that if it were on my leg or arm that I would have scratched it by now. I could hide it (cover it up with clothes – why?  Im telling people – because Im still ashamed of what Im doing to myself) if were on those places.

When i was maybe about 8 I did have a sore on my nose and it grew as I scratched it. I had to have an individual photo at school (it was class and pupil photo time) and there was a permant reminder of what I did to myself. I dont know if the children teased me about it. They were horrible to me anyway. Always tauting me. I was a loner for much of my school years.  I must have some control over my problem I start to annoy these spots on my face but somehow control myself enough to be able to not touch them too much.  However, controlling the whole problem feels too hard.  Its too easy to scratch wear I know my clothes will cover up the mess.

I dont know why I wasnt helped earlier. Maybe I did such a good job at hiding my problem. I remember being told off about it many many times.  I remember being told I would get an infection and die.  Nothing made any difference.   I couldnt stop it. I remember asking a councillor several years ago if it was as bad as cutting oneself she said no. I dont remember her doing anything else about it. I asked my loving sister to read my blog the other day she cried she didnt realise it was such a problem for me. I up until now have been asked by people (the other day the next door neighbours daughter) what the marks are I just brush them off by telling them oh nothing much. But in reality it is a problem not a nothing.

To make matters worse is that Billy scratches a bit too. Probably because hes seen me do it over the years. This makes me feel guilty too. Im going to tell the specialist about Billy in case he needs help too. I dont want Daniel to hurt himself as he gets older. But then I never wanted Billy too either.

While I know this doesnt change essentially who I am.  That I will be posting my normal posts again soon.  I feel bad and gross.

Your kind words, encouragement, support and love brought me to tears. Thank you all so much. I am blessed to have such wonderful bloggy and everyday life friends.

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6 Responses to “Thank you friends”

  1. Denise

    You are such a dear friend to me, and I am keeping you very close in my prayers. I want you to be happy, healthy, and healed from this itching and scratching. My heart really goes out to you. I am thinking that a dermatoligist will be able to help you. Hang in there, God and I love you.

  2. Diane J.

    There is no such thing as a “normal” blog. What’s normal for me may be completely out of the ordinary for you. The important thing is for you to deal with your problem however you need to, and if blogging about it helps you, that’s what you should do. Your true friends are going to stick by you, and as for any others…they’re not true friends, so who cares?

    I’ll be reading whatever you choose to post about, whether it be about the boys or about your problem, or about your church.

    Take care of JEN, that’s the most important thing right now.

    Love and hugs,

    Diane

  3. Amy

    Jen, I use to have the same skin condition with my hands some years back. I tried using vitamin e cream and that helped somewhat but after a while I was healed of it one day while watching the 700 club on CBN (shine tv).

  4. Melany

    I’m glad that you are going to get help for this. I’m proud of you for speaking up

  5. thepreacherswife

    Jen,

    You have made the most important step in seeing healing for this problem and that is by allowing God’s light to shine on an area Satan has in the dark. So many women lead secret lives, have secret habits, secret addictions, secret relationships. Deception is the devil’s playground and if he can make you believe others would be repulsed, that they would walk away if they knew then he has succeeded in isolating you from the love and prayer you could be openly receiving. Rejection is such a horrifying feeling and I can not even begin to imagine the areas of bondage we remain in simply because we are afraid of reactions. I went through a period of this thought process myself and God used Isaiah 30 to walk me through it. Remember, Satan can pick us off easily if we are alone, but he is much more wary of a group. You have a group now because you’ve been brave enough to share such a difficult thing. Faith lives in the unknown. You couldn’t know how everyone would receive this information, but now I know your faith has to be built in knowing God is walking you step by step as you get the help you need.

    In your case, your problem is not the sin, but the lies Satan will convince you to tell because of it are. Be free sweet Jen! Those doctors can help you…Just tell them all of it. I will be praying for you and look forward to how God’s name will be glorified because you have revealed Satan’s schemes. I am very proud of you!

  6. Jana

    You are not bad, you are not gross. *giving you a big hug* You are AWESOMELY brave, and I am BEYOND proud of you. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

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