June 22, 2007
Im not blogging much at the moment. Im too sore to do much at all. I cant concentrate on reading.
Today after crying on the phone to Muzz last night because of the pain I am in I went to see the doctor. He thought I might have broken my foot so I went and had a xray. Its not but it is S O R E!!! As is my back. In the evenings my arms and legs ache.
I had several rides in wheelchairs and as Muzz was taking me out to the car at one point there was a loud siren. He took us up to the roadside and Daniel who was sitting on my good leg saw 2 fire engines roaring off to a fire. There is a fire station right next to the doctors.
I am pleased to report that the doctor I saw is a new one and he was very nice. He asked if there was anything else he could help me with. I told him I seem to have extremely dry skin on my face at the moment and that it seemed to get worse last Tuesday. I could see it getting bad as the morning wore on. He has put me on antibiotics to see if they will help. I also told him about my scratching problem and he wants to see me again in 2 weeks time. He said he thinks he knows how to fix my problem. But that it will take time. He said it was like self harming ones self with cutting which is what I have said for years. Although I wasnt taken seriously until today by him. Even when I asked and tried to confirm my suspicions that it was similar. He said he would prefer to start treating it in 2 weeks because if he treats my face and the pills have a bad side effect he wants to know that its the antibiotics that are causing the problems and nothing else. Im ok with this as I know hes taking me and my problem seriously.
Im off to bed to try to rest and over come the pain Im in again
April 23, 2007
Im suppose to go back and see the doctor on Friday to access my itchy problem.
I got a bill on the weekend from them and even though Im on a low income bracket I still have to pay a fair bit.
So I wont be going back. I told Muzz and he was shocked too. I will keep using the cream he gave me. And my blessed cousin is going to try to send me some cream too. Thanks to both them.
The cost may come down in July the lady at the doctors told me but until then I simply cant afford to go. Just I thought Id let you know. Thanks everyone for your prayers and support.
April 13, 2007
My blood-tests came back all ok
I may need iron in the future but not yet.
The doctor said give it a couple of weeks with what he gave me and the cream Muzz gave me (although I wont continue to use that, that long if I dont have to) and see how it goes. He said its early days. He was talking about the skin test which I didnt have. He said if it had come back positive, what would could be done, would I have had injections every week? I said “well yes if it stops the scratching”
He said its early days. Which is good cause I have scratched a little bit today. I think I have to remind myself this is a life long (nearly) habit. I wont stop over night.
April 13, 2007
This morning I am itching like crazy BUT and this a big BUT I didnt scratch last night. Muzz gave me some left over hydrocortisone cream of his the other day. Its really good stuff. My sores are healing. It doesnt take the itching away but I can see the difference its making and Im being to like my body.
I woke up in the middle of the night (I always do) and rubbed some more cream on. Then read my book. When I wanted to scratch I reminded myself of the fact that I was good and hadnt scratched last night and that I didnt want to let myself down by doing so. I told myself “NO” and told the devil to take a hike.
Now if this infuriating scratching would go away. I shall be speaking to the doctor today and asking him about this.
April 10, 2007
We are hoping to find the reason behind my problem. Therefore being able to overcome it. I have read a lot over the last few days on the internet about my problem. The best websites say that the best way to overcome it is not just with medicine but counselling. I want to deal with it so I can overcome it and never do it again.
I’m blessed to have Muzz who does support and love me.
Supermom stated an important statement. She pointed out that there is a difference between scratching because its itchy and scratching to hurt myself. Most of the time I scratch because they itch but occasionally like last night I scratch to feel the blood. I scratched last night just because I was aware of the bump on my skin and it annoyed me until in a warped attempt to get rid of it I scratched it. This makes me feel even more guilty the next day. It makes me feel gross and makes me think that people would/should feel the same way.
I think most of it could be a dermatological issue. I have very dry skin on my eyelid at the moment and I know that if it were on my leg or arm that I would have scratched it by now. I could hide it (cover it up with clothes – why? Im telling people – because Im still ashamed of what Im doing to myself) if were on those places.
When i was maybe about 8 I did have a sore on my nose and it grew as I scratched it. I had to have an individual photo at school (it was class and pupil photo time) and there was a permant reminder of what I did to myself. I dont know if the children teased me about it. They were horrible to me anyway. Always tauting me. I was a loner for much of my school years. I must have some control over my problem I start to annoy these spots on my face but somehow control myself enough to be able to not touch them too much. However, controlling the whole problem feels too hard. Its too easy to scratch wear I know my clothes will cover up the mess.
I dont know why I wasnt helped earlier. Maybe I did such a good job at hiding my problem. I remember being told off about it many many times. I remember being told I would get an infection and die. Nothing made any difference. I couldnt stop it. I remember asking a councillor several years ago if it was as bad as cutting oneself she said no. I dont remember her doing anything else about it. I asked my loving sister to read my blog the other day she cried she didnt realise it was such a problem for me. I up until now have been asked by people (the other day the next door neighbours daughter) what the marks are I just brush them off by telling them oh nothing much. But in reality it is a problem not a nothing.
To make matters worse is that Billy scratches a bit too. Probably because hes seen me do it over the years. This makes me feel guilty too. Im going to tell the specialist about Billy in case he needs help too. I dont want Daniel to hurt himself as he gets older. But then I never wanted Billy too either.
While I know this doesnt change essentially who I am. That I will be posting my normal posts again soon. I feel bad and gross.
Your kind words, encouragement, support and love brought me to tears. Thank you all so much. I am blessed to have such wonderful bloggy and everyday life friends.
April 9, 2007
Hello….My Name is Jen…
and I’m addicted to a Itch/Scratch Cycle
I am writing a very difficult post today. I am ashamed of what I do.
I have been scratching my body mainly my legs since I was 4 or 5. I have been made to feel naughty over the years. “Stop it!!!” I have also been to many doctors over the years and even spoken to a counsellor all of them werent helpful. Most of them said “dont do it.” If only it were that easy. However, once the itching starts it drives me crazy. Its like a moving evil spirit invading my body and a voice comes to me saying “its ok to scratch, one more time isnt going to make a difference after all these years.” The evil one mocks me until I have to relieve the itching by scratching. However this means my legs are a mess and have years of scars on them. I scratch until I bleed. I do it every night before I go to sleep (and sometimes during the day too.) Then in the morning I hate what I have done again.
I was a secretive child, I still am. I have always been ashamed of my skin. I very seldom wear a dress or skirt and then they have to be full length. I wear pants (jeans) mostly to hide what I do to myself. I feel like a leaper that shouldnt be loved my others and that if they really knew me they wouldnt love me. The fact that Muzz loves me and knows the truth blows me away and I dont quite understand how he can. As I write this there is a voice saying “well thats it! Youre going to lose all those bloggy friends youve made. You dumb stupid girl.” However, I dont want to wear a mask anymore and more than anything I want this to stop.
It has gotten to the point where I hate not only what I do but I hate myself too. I dont think God likes me doing this to the body he wonderfully made for me. While in my head I know that He does love me I cant get that knowledge into my heart right now.
This weekend has seen me horribly depressed. While Muzz does know what I do he didnt understand it fully. On Saturday morning I cried buckets loads and told him I cant stop. I have hope though. Muzz is going to help me. He promises me we are going to fight this until it stops. Hes going to get in touch with a dermatologist on Tuesday and see about me getting the help my poor innocent body needs. Theres parts of me that dont believe I can be helped, that Muzz will see it though, not because of anything to do with his personality (hes so caring, supportive and loving) but because of the years and years of nelgect and people not caring. Muzz would remind me that he isnt like other people that he loves and cares about me and WILL see this though.
Last night I found this article. Upon reading the 1st few paragraphs I cried again. She is just like me I can so identify with her.
So if you are still reading this. If you havent run away disgusted in what I do. Then I ask for your prayers and thank you for sticking by me.